From Numbing to Knowing: My Story of Sobriety, Bulimia, and Ayahuasca
The Secret I Was Desperately Outrunning: My Battle with Alcohol and Bulimia
With a headline like ‘My Coming Out Story,’ you might expect tales of love or identity discovery. And in a way, this is that story.
But the ‘coming out’ I’m referring to isn’t about who I love, but who I was desperately trying to outrun: myself.
For years, my true identity was buried under a mountain of empty Cakebread Chardonnay bottles, punishing workouts, and the relentless cycle of binge eating and purging.
That ‘mountain’ wasn’t an exaggeration.
The moment I walked in the door after a long day sitting behind a desk and my mandatory 2-hour gym routine, I headed straight to the kitchen to pour that first glass of vino. Ahhh, RELIEF.
It was the only part of my day that I looked forward to.
It was my desperate, and quite effective, attempt to quiet the ruthless voice of self-doubt and the feeling that things were NOT okay despite the outward appearances of having it all together.
It was that same voice that ultimately propelled me on a journey far beyond the confines of my ‘Era of Addiction’ — but I’ll get to that later.
A World Away: From Numbing Out in Los Angeles to Living Free in Costa Rica
Now, a world away from that ‘mountain’ of self-avoidance, I write this from the jungle of Costa Rica.
A place of pristine, crystal clear rivers and waterfalls.
Where the mangos, papayas, and coconuts grow in abundance, and the blossoming flowers evoke dreamlike memories of my grandmother’s perfume.
Now, finding myself in the heart of Costa Rica’s natural, holistic way of living, it’s hard to reconcile this reality with the life I inhabited just 108 months ago.
During my 14-year-long ‘Era of Addiction’, the concept of freely exploring the world without the safety of my local wine shop and gym rountine was utterly beyond my wildest dreams.
The Facade of External Success and the Reality of Internal Numbing
My world was deliberately constricted, a self-made fortress where I sought refuge in the false security created by my addictions.
Like many white-collar 6-figure earners — successful in their work, but lacking fulfillment — who may use alcohol, food, social media, or other socially accepted substances to get a shift in consciousness, I was deeply reliant on my numbing mechanisms of choice.
My days ended with drinking enough to pass out, and it felt normal — almost encouraged — by a society that subtly promotes these escapes as a relief from our daily pressures.
Trapped in a Cycle of Body Obsession and Shame
At the same time, I was obsessed with the size and shape of my body.
My mental calorie calculator was more accurate than any of today's meal tracking apps—constantly monitoring every bite in and every step out.
I chased the endorphin rush from painstakingly long gym workouts, mistaking it for a purpose that left me feeling depleted and hollow inside.
The nights were the hardest. After a day of strict caloric control, I would binge massively, only to find myself hunched over the toilet, purging away my shame.
The emptiness provided relief, if only temporarily.
Only in hindsight do I have the reference point and frameworks to see that I was emotionally and spiritually dead inside.
Uncovering the Trauma Roots of My Addiction
Hidden beneath the surface — and driving my addictive and compulsive behaviors — were the lingering imprints of childhood bullying, teenage sexual trauma, high school ostracism, and tumultuous relationships that left me feeling alone in an unkind world.
My addictions served as both a distraction and a shield, preventing true connection with myself or vulnerable connections with others.
They protected me from the depths of the feelings I didn’t feel safe enough to touch.
The Illusion of a Perfect Life
To the outside world, it looked like I had it all dialed in — thriving in a fast-paced career in Los Angeles, living in a beautifully designed million-dollar home, and zipping through palm-lined streets in my shiny Mini Cooper.
I even maintained the illusion of a storybook romance, having wed a German media executive following our chance encounter on Valentine’s Day, seated side by side on a flight bound for business — a scene straight from a modern fairytale.
Every box of ‘success’ was checked, and then some.
This meticulously maintained facade, however, concealed a grim reality.
The contents of my mind were filled with darkness and distraction.
Little did anyone know the internal battles I faced, a stark contrast that would eventually lead to significant changes.
The Pivotal Shift: From Numbing Out to La Pura Vida
So, how did I go from numbing out in Los Angeles to living la Pura Vida in Costa Rica?
It was a pivotal shift, to say the least.
Remember the German husband I mentioned earlier?
I left out the crucial detail that he was 100% sober, a stark contrast to me, an alcoholic, bulimic Irish-Catholic/Eastern-European Jew.
A year into our marriage, when the sweet novelty of married life started to go sour, sober husband began poking at my habit of putting back a bottle or more of wine each day.
The lie I told myself was that alcohol was not impacting my relationships or my life.
Everyone drinks. It’s just what we do.
Confronting My Drinking: The 30-Day Sobriety Challenge
To prove that I had my drinking under control, I agreed to a 30-day no-drinking challenge.
There was a motivating incentive for me, too.
My husband had promised to reward me with a piece of jewelry of my choosing — from my favorite designer, the same one who created our wedding rings — but only if I completed the challenge successfully.
So, naturally, I said yes.
The Harsh Realities of Early Sobriety: Physical Withdrawal and Boredom
The initial days of the no-drinking challenge unveiled harsh physical realities: an irritating throbbing at the base of my brain for three days and disrupted sleep that left me feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of the challenge as my body adjusted.
I began to wonder… Can I actually do this?
It also unveiled an unexpected landscape: boredom. Evenings of ‘Netflix and Chill’ quickly became ‘Netflix and Cringe,’ exposing how uninspiring many people and activities in my life were without my nightly indulgence of escapism.
Yet I stuck with it, and slowly, slowly — a profound revelation began to emerge.
The Profound Shift: Rekindling My Inner Light and Thirst for Knowledge
A couple of weeks in, my inner light started to flicker back to life, and the heavy veil of depression I had carried for 14 years began to lift.
Imagine feeling the warmth of sunlight on your skin for the first time in over a decade — it was like that.
This newfound clarity ignited an insatiable thirst for knowledge, leading me to dive into podcasts and books about biohacking, human optimization, meditation, yoga, supplementation, and primal living.
While feeling ‘normal’ was a revelation, I began to explore how to feel ‘optimized’.
Simultaneously, while my drinking was under control, my eating disorder and obsession with health took on a new flavor of ’wellness’; however, with a sober mind, I had a new perspective on what was going on.
And it was clear my work was just getting started.
Finding Solace and Regulation in Sobriety Through Kundalini Yoga and Breathwork
Kundalini yoga became a true saving grace for me during this transition period, and I began embracing a daily meditation and breathwork practice.
These practices did more than soothe; they regulated my nervous system, began to reprogram the subconscious mind, and engaged the vagus nerve, the critical communicator between the brain and the body.
This deep internal connection enhanced my resilience and has become an essential, enduring part of my daily routine.
The Call of Ayahuasca in Sobriety: A Deep Knowing Within
As I followed the breadcrumbs on this new path, I stumbled upon Aubrey Marcus and Joe Rogan talking about Ayahuasca. Something inside me ignited — I knew I had to experience THAT.
My journey took a profound turn toward healing when I traveled to the Peruvian Amazon for the first time.
This master plant medicine, often revered as one of the most sacred substances on Earth, is affectionately called ‘Grandmother’ for her wise, loving, and forgiving presence.
Ayahuasca peeled back layers of unprocessed experiences and subconscious programs that had been pushed down for so long.
These insights revealed my self-judgment, obsessive need for control, body fixation, and materialism — patterns that had driven me to numb myself with food, exercise, and alcohol, all to avoid confronting these harsh realities.
The Gifts of Ayahuasca: Cleansing, Forgiveness, and Reconnection
Ayahuasca bestowed incredible gifts — cleansing, letting go, forgiveness, compassion, and healing — that led to a profound reconnection with the true essence of my Soul and a visceral connection with the loving electric current of Source.
Engaging with Ayahuasca can be both a humbling and illuminating experience.
As she guided me through liberation from the illusions that misled me from what truly matters, I was left with the reality of what I learned on the other side.
This is where the real work of applying these lessons began.
Sacred Plant Medicines: An Intrinsic Part of My Life’s Sacred Work
From that pivotal encounter with Ayahuasca and to this day, sacred plant medicines became a calling as a central part of my life’s work, not as quick fixes, but as profound allies.
This calling spurred an eight-year odyssey, immersing me in profound learning with exceptional teachers, revered wisdom keepers, and cherished mentors and friends.
I have traveled to countless inner and outer worlds while deepening my expertise in psychedelic experience and integration, somatic practices, intuitive eating disorder recovery, and holistic health — cornerstones of my mission to awaken others to their wholeness.
A Reality Check About the Path of Healing
Let’s be honest — this journey was anything but linear. And certainly not as clean or effortless as it might sound.
On this path, I encountered multiple relapses with bulimia during the initial months of recovery and a relapse with alcohol during COVID.
Healing doesn’t move in straight lines. It spirals. It circles back. It stalls, accelerates, and pauses. It’s messy. And it’s real.
I share this not to downplay the transformation, but to ground it in truth: healing is rarely graceful. It’s human.
And even still, I wouldn’t change any of it — even the ‘Era of Addiction’, which was the catalyst that led me to this path.
✨ A Message of Hope: You Are Not Alone on This Journey
If you’re feeling a stir within, a sense of disconnection, or a premonition that something isn’t quite right, I extend a message of hope.
It is never too late to transform.
Millions are on this journey alongside you, and it is my heartfelt intention to provide a hint of inspiration that illuminates your path forward.
✨ You Don’t Have to Keep Living This Way
Struggling with bingeing and purging—and ready to try something that actually works?
The Novara Recovery Process is here to support you in finding real, lasting peace with food, your body, and yourself.
You don’t have to keep doing this alone. The Novara Recovery Process offers a path to lasting peace with food, body, and self.
📖 Download the Free “Binge Free Blueprint” eBook
This 20-page guide lays out the core steps of the Novara method—practical tools, supportive prompts, and a roadmap to help you begin shifting the cycle from day one.
If you’re exploring what healing could look like for you, I’d love to meet you exactly where you are—no pressure, just honest support and real conversation.
https://calendly.com/pritamtara/introcall
Sometimes it turns out that we’re not the best match. If that’s the case, I’ll gladly guide you toward other professionals who may be better suited to support you.
In Service and Gratitude,
Kathryn Ann (aka: Pritam Tara)
Kathryn Ann (Pritam Tara), Uvita, Costa Rica, March 2025
